i feel it coming on. distancing myself would be smart.

i wanna go home, fuck this place, not one decent person around here.

i’m gonna take a long ass bubble bath and read and be depressed and whine about it to my dog and eat ben&jerry’s and that’s it.

I’d be in trouble if you left me now..

-you made a short appearance and a lasting impression.
-you worked until obscene hours of the morning and called far too late.
-that one time you sent me a picture of your ass.
-you took pictures of me and i hated it.
-when you made me watch the discovery channel and play with your hair.
-you only ate donairs.
-your stupid ass straight edge tattoo.
-your stupid glasses
-your screamo/hardcore music
-you kissed me and THEN told me you weren’t into dating
-you’re actually a huge fuckass. 

OHHHH AND..
-that time you were riding a scooter in gym shorts and knee socks with a headband yelling at that girl telling her to go on jenny craig.

basically you have taken my blog and put it on yours.. thats annoying as fuck, go away.

What is it that you’re supposed to do when presented with a sensible choice, however not the one you’ve been dreaming of? Should you break down those dreams and fold them neatly bit by bit, kiss them gently goodbye and hide them in that special place in your heart? Should you move on and simply leave them.. knowing all along that they are still there.. but never acknowledging them? Would it be selfish to do anything else? Would you be ungrateful for pushing away said sensible choice in pursuit of a potentially impossible dream. Maybe the right thing is to chase that dream forever and never settle for anything less? Live impossibly wild.. forever searching.. and maybe one day you reach it.. or maybe you die wondering if you ran right past one million wonderful things that could have made you happy. I suppose what I’m asking is if any risk is ever worth it.. Maybe it’s not at all what you’ve been dreaming of.. but maybe it’s what you’ve secretly wanted.. actually scratch that. Maybe it’s what you’ve needed all a long. Do you think we’ll ever know? I wish that every time I made a choice I could pull out thread and connect it to myself at that exact moment.. and later when I’m old I could follow them back and see where those other versions of myself went with the decisions I couldn’t make.. maybe I could find joy in the choices I made.. or maybe I would only find regret? I wonder if I will die truly happy or if I will stay true to form and keep a dangerous and strong hold on my past. Will my bones always feel this heavy?

you weave words together in a way that takes me away. it takes me away to a place where there is only you and me. and you, you’re lovely. you take the words and you make them beautiful.. in a way I never could. I wish I could speak.. I wish I could tell you about your smile.. how it twists and turns my insides like carbonation when you look at me. I want to tell you that I love the color of green in your eyes. I want to paint pictures for you with my words like you do for me.. but I’m quiet. I don’t speak. You create whole worlds and an infinite universe.. but I’m quiet. I see you look at me and your hurt is lingering in the air and I can feel it. It weighs heavy on my bones and pulls tight on my skin.. I could tell you I feel it.. I could tell you about the pain.. but I’m quiet. Your words offer me an escape.. I walk through the fields and lay in the grass.. I dip my toes in the oceans and stare up at your stars.. you gave me a world.. a world where my problems don’t exist.. and it’s a terrible thing, I could never do the same. I watched you suffer and saw your desire to listen.. but I still couldn’t speak. you died and left me a never ending fairy tale.. and I left you with the emptiness. a book full of blank pages.